Roen
Posted by Stuart at 05:55 PM on September 21, 2005Last night I was sitting in a bar/restaurant on Silom eating dinner with a friend when a Thai guy and a farang guy walked up to our table. The Thai guy said to me, "I don't think you remember me. You were friends with Boy, right? ("Boy" is a common Thai nickname. And although I have met a few "Boy"s, I don't have any friends with this nickname.)
"No," I replied "I don't think I know anyone named Boy."
He insisted. "Boy was about this tall" holding his had out to about 5'6". "Whenever you would see each other, you would always talk for a while."
I figured it was just another case of mistaken identity. But then he showed me his camera phone and on it was the picture of my friend Roen, who was a 20-something year old friend of mine who was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year.
I know that it's not very common for someone under 30 to get cancer. But the last time I had seen Roen was on Silom Road a few months ago, the chemotherapy and radiation treatments had already caused a lot of weight loss that his already slim frame could ill afford to lose. He had always been upbeat and smiling, and this time was no different. I knew that he was having a rough time, but I figured that he would eventually be a survivor.
Since that time, I would chat with him online now and then. I was worried about him and wanted to check in on him, but I could never convince him to leave the house or to allow me to visit. His excuse was always that he didn't look good and was embarrassed to have company or to be seen in public.
In the last couple of weeks, I hadn't heard from him, and I started to worry even more. So when the guy in front of me asked me if I knew "Boy", I knew what he was going to say to me. But, thanks to Roen's optimistic smile, I hopefully but feebly asked, "Have you talked to him lately? How is he?"
And sure enough, the answer was the answer I knew was coming but I didn't want to hear. "He passed away on Saturday."
His farang friend want on to tell me the details of Roen's last days. Roen made his friends promise that they wouldn't tell anyone else that he was dying because he didn't want anyone to visit him in the hospital. My head started to spin and I didn't really hear what else the guy said. All I remember was the phrase, "but the cancer just ate him up."
It's not very becoming to cry in a bar. But I did anyway. And I cried in the taxi on the way to Major Ekkamai to retrieve my motorcycle. And I cried on my motorcycle on the short ride home. And I cried in my bathroom alone at home.
Now it's been almost 24 hours and I am still shaken by the news. In this case, I am not shaken because my life will change now that Roen is gone. I only saw him rarely, and it was usually a random encounter at the coffee shop or on the sidewalk or online. But the thing that just tears me up inside is the injustice of it all. He was young and vivacious and creative and always smiling. In the "Land of Smiles" his smile was one of the biggest. Over and over in my head I keep thinking "It's not fair.
"It's not right.
"He did not deserve this fate."
But no matter what I believe, this was the hand he was dealt. I know that what is done is done and there is nothing that anyone can do about it. I know this, but I still struggle with it. I sit here and wrestle with my own demons about life and death, justice and injustice, fairness and equality and karma and fate and God.
... and hope that one day I can remember his smile and be able to smile back at him.
:hugs:
Can't do anything 'cept offer my prayers. My youthful cousin is dying of cancer and all I can say is that cancer sucks. God be with you.
BTW, to cry is exactly the best thing to do.
Amen to Brian. Its like a punch in the stomach. Sometimes people we don't know all that well, or don't see all that often, leave a lasting impact so their loss is felt extremely deeply. All I can say is remember the good times, remember his smile, and remember that you were both friends.
Thanks so much, y'all. I appreciate your support :)
- Stuart
I am so sorry to hear this happened. But, it DOES happen in our lives.
I still remember the day I walked to your booth in BUIC office and told you about my close friend who died because of a car accident. It's been more than two years now. I still remember him and good times we had together since we were in high school and college together. We had fought a year before he died for some stupid things. We hadn't talked again afterward. We kept seeing each other in the college. Deeply in my heart, he is always one of my best friends. And one day, death came and had him forever. I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN UP my stupidity, talked to him before he died.
People have made mistakes all the time. I've learned, I won't repeat it again. And I wish evearyone would learn from me. My friend names Tanis. And he will live forever in my memory.
My heart goes out to you and your friends family.
....
Funeral Blues
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
-- W.H. Auden